So, I guess I need to start from somewhere. Starting a conversation half way thru never makes sense. I don't believe that my specific story is much different than anyone else's. For that matter, I imagine that many others have suffered worse than me. I think that's why I don't like the idea of being labeled with PTSD.
I served in the military for about 10 years. I've had multiple deployments to several areas around the world and in that time I've seen a lot. I've seen people that live in squalor and think nothing of it. On the other hand I've known people that believe that anything under a 3 star hotel is unacceptable. While I was serving in Iraq I had the opportunity to investigate mass-casualty mass burial sites. Without jumping on to a political band wagon, lets just say, I have strong feelings regarding intifada and decisions that were made as far back as 1991. I met many people who were still looking for family members that went 'missing' during the intifada in Iraq, I was able to see reactions in people that were able to finally get the peace of knowing that their loved ones were finally dead as well as the grief of those that found the same. I think the most horrific thing to me was the vision of a childs body with minimal clothing still on, being shoveled out of a possible Mass grave site.
I couldn't believe that a child, an infant, was murdered in that manner. Sick enough as it is, the mother was also buried with the child. I never did find out whether or not the father was killed at the same time, or if that was just his punishment... I met men that had been sexually molested by Ouday and Qusay Hussein as well. It was just a common place occurence in Iraq at that time. There are so many stupid and unnecessary things that I both witnessed in person and reviewed in documentation. I obviously can't be too specific, but I remember a group of girls that was attacked when they were walking to school soon after the regime fell, and another time when a pregnant woman walking with her children was a victim of a roadside bomb. She and the child as well as severl of the other children were killed immediately, several other children were pretty banged up as well.
I remember the sense of dread I felt from day to day. My group was unable to acquire better equipment and weaponry, so we spent the majority of our time outside the wire without radio comms, heavy weapons, and any real armor. (polyvinyl side panneling barely stops dust let alone anything else). We never knew when it was going to be our turn to get hit. I remember once driving by another base as it was being hit with mortars. There wasn't much we could do, but keep on our mission.
When I returned home I returned by myself. My parents lived by, but other than that I was pretty much a lone. I started doing instruction and had a real hard time dealing with the fact that, while in the military, most of the time it's just you. I was left in charge of several teams in Iraq, and was expected to always take care of them, but was never given any support to do it with. If equipment broke, we were out of luck, if someone got sick, we were out of luck, if someone died... who knows... I'm just glad I was fortunate enough to have always planned well enough to keep us safe. When I started as an instructor, it was the same game. You were expected to spend 20+ hours a day 6-7 days a week ensuring that the instruction was the best possbile, with as little resources as possible. The students were expected to learn days worth of material each day and be able to regurgitate it several days later. It's not that it's all that uncommon for a military school to be demanding, but it helped me understand just a little bit more. It's like old JFK said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". If a soldier/sailor/marine/airman dies, who cries? Who even notices? Only those servicemembers who know them well and their families. Some members though are so involved with their positions in the military that they've lost family members to begin with, whether it be loss of spouse and kids through divorce or just loss of siblings thru lack of time to keep involved. Sometimes that saddest thing to me is to know that someone sacrificed everything they could to include their life, and it was repaid by a system that is impossible to navigate and their death will be used as a number in a political war one way or another! The spouse the child, no one really cares, only the family.
I don't mean to be so dour, but really, even those of us who have lost friends close and dear, how well do we remember the child and spouse left behind? Those who do remember, and try to help are spurned by the system for taking on something they shouldn't and told " You can't fix the world." I've been told that phrase so many times it makes my blood boil!
I survived all of my activations, deployments, missions, etc.,. It took a safe job for me to finally be taken down. I was in an accident while driving to teach one day. I was immediately bombarded by paperwork (forget about asking how I was doing), and expected to be able to give a full account in full detail of everything that took place. My back, neck, head, and shoulder were all pretty well worked up. I was soon afterwards professionally attacked by my leadership for being injured, and later medically discharged because of them. I know what happens when you give your all for a cause that doesn't care for the parts that make it great. Don't get me wrong, I would do it again, I've even tried getting back in, but alas, I don't think it's a possibility anymore.
I'm empty for now, but perhaps later I'll continue...
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