Friday, October 28, 2011
It's been awhile
So, it's strange to do so well, with so little problems, and then re-enter a stressful situation and fairly quickly concede to the same PTSD issues you have worked so hard to overcome. It seems I've become very capable of dealing with so much, and been able to let stress roll off my back like water on a duck. But, for whatever reason, this week has really topped me out. I've had VA problems, Housing problems, medical problems, transportation problems, and the list goes on. I thought I'd handled it all well, but when I finally finished with work for the day, returned home, and tried digging through all of the problems that have arisen in the last several weeks, I just bottomed out. I had hoped to solve some of the problems, or at least make some progress, but it seems that every step of the way it just gets worse. I don't know how to keep strength to support my family and myself... It's going to be a very long holiday season with so much working against me. Of course whining about things doesn't really seem to help either, especially in regards to so many others being in similar situations :(
Friday, April 8, 2011
A New Dream
For so long I've been haunted by dreams of war and trials. I've had dreams of those that are closest to me punished for poor choices made by others and made by themselves. I dream a lot of military experiences both had and made up. Sometimes (it used to be a lot of the time) I feel as though I'm still there. As though I'm still right in the thick of everything. I've had dreams of killing people, dreams of losing my wife, my children, my friends an other family members. I've even dreamed of people dying that I don't know. I've had dreams of those closest to me being sent to hell to burn for crimes unpaid for. I don't know if it's a warning for me, or just tricks that my mind wants to play on me. My dreams usually cause my heart to pound, my mind to race, and when I wake up, I feel like I've been exercising. Sometimes I'll be covered in a cold sweat and others I'm just exhausted by. Tonight though, tonight was different. I don't know why, I don't know how it happened, but I like liked it.
Tonight I had the most magnificent dream I've had since I can ever remember. It wasn't of magic or riches or anything physical, but rather of my great grand parents. The dream was so amazing. I dreamt of being at their home. It didn't look exactly the same as I remembered it. I mean things remembered as a child are never quite the same when seen as an adult anyway. I knew it was their home though, it had the right familiar sights, and feel. It was some sort of party for the women in my family. My sister, wife, mother, grandma, and aunt were all there for the occasion. At first I didn't realize who the party was for. I remember I brought three gifts, but it wasn't enough for all the women there. My sister then made a statement to me about the party being for mothers. The gifts were for my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. I then knew that my children were with me. They were so excited about everything, and that's when I noticed that my great-grandparents were there. I heard my great-grandfather talking to the kids about how life was when he was here. My heart was so happy to see him again. He looked young though, not as I remember him, but as a younger man, I never saw my great-grandmother, but I could feel that she was there. When my great-grandfather spoke he sounded a lot like I used to, with a gentleness and familiarity that attracts people. I picked up my youngest girl and immediately went for him to show him to her. I was so excited that I could introduce my children to MY great-grandparents! Just as I got where he was though, he was gone, and my great-grandmother as well. I then woke up middle of the night, but instead of being sad, I was still so happy inside.
I haven't had such a happy feeling from a dream in a long time. I joke with people when they ask how I'm doing, that 'I'm living the dream', sometimes followed up by or nightmare, depending on how you look at it. I've been so stressed out lately, and for the majority of my time it seems like I have no self confidence. It's just not me. I used to exude so much self confidence that others were confident just being around me. I've always had a plan, I've always been able to work on the fly, and I've always been comfortable with my abilities to make things work out. Lately though, I've felt completely helpless. It's as though a stumbling block has been placed in my mind. I can't seem to learn, I can't seem to remember, I can't seem to basically function...
I hope this dream is an omen for which the future holds for me and my family. To go from the types of dreams I've had before that were filled with despair to a dream of a couple that I've loved so dearly all of my life, It's magnificent! Maybe God is trying to help me out. Perhaps my great-grandparents know my plight and are trying to help me feel peace... or the alternative maybe I need to cut back my meds..... I'm pretty sure it's not the meds though. I believe in God and his son, Jesus Christ, my Savior. I know that they are concerned for me, but sometimes, I'm too concerned about me to see what is Real vs what is not. I know that families can be together forever, and that that is his plan.
Tonight I had the most magnificent dream I've had since I can ever remember. It wasn't of magic or riches or anything physical, but rather of my great grand parents. The dream was so amazing. I dreamt of being at their home. It didn't look exactly the same as I remembered it. I mean things remembered as a child are never quite the same when seen as an adult anyway. I knew it was their home though, it had the right familiar sights, and feel. It was some sort of party for the women in my family. My sister, wife, mother, grandma, and aunt were all there for the occasion. At first I didn't realize who the party was for. I remember I brought three gifts, but it wasn't enough for all the women there. My sister then made a statement to me about the party being for mothers. The gifts were for my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. I then knew that my children were with me. They were so excited about everything, and that's when I noticed that my great-grandparents were there. I heard my great-grandfather talking to the kids about how life was when he was here. My heart was so happy to see him again. He looked young though, not as I remember him, but as a younger man, I never saw my great-grandmother, but I could feel that she was there. When my great-grandfather spoke he sounded a lot like I used to, with a gentleness and familiarity that attracts people. I picked up my youngest girl and immediately went for him to show him to her. I was so excited that I could introduce my children to MY great-grandparents! Just as I got where he was though, he was gone, and my great-grandmother as well. I then woke up middle of the night, but instead of being sad, I was still so happy inside.
I haven't had such a happy feeling from a dream in a long time. I joke with people when they ask how I'm doing, that 'I'm living the dream', sometimes followed up by or nightmare, depending on how you look at it. I've been so stressed out lately, and for the majority of my time it seems like I have no self confidence. It's just not me. I used to exude so much self confidence that others were confident just being around me. I've always had a plan, I've always been able to work on the fly, and I've always been comfortable with my abilities to make things work out. Lately though, I've felt completely helpless. It's as though a stumbling block has been placed in my mind. I can't seem to learn, I can't seem to remember, I can't seem to basically function...
I hope this dream is an omen for which the future holds for me and my family. To go from the types of dreams I've had before that were filled with despair to a dream of a couple that I've loved so dearly all of my life, It's magnificent! Maybe God is trying to help me out. Perhaps my great-grandparents know my plight and are trying to help me feel peace... or the alternative maybe I need to cut back my meds..... I'm pretty sure it's not the meds though. I believe in God and his son, Jesus Christ, my Savior. I know that they are concerned for me, but sometimes, I'm too concerned about me to see what is Real vs what is not. I know that families can be together forever, and that that is his plan.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Drama Queen?
Does it seem sometimes when you start having an episode/event, that you can't help but think, "I'm such a drama queen?" I have a lot of difficulty dealing with bureaucracy and those organizations that add extra bull as if they didn't already dish out enough.
I've been fighting with my computer retailer regarding my laptop for about 2-3 years now. I originally purchased it under the misbelief that it was a powerhouse that could do anything. Well it's pretty powerful, but the mobo would overheat and then kill itself about every couple of months. They finally replaced the laptop with a newer model, but now this one can't keep a wireless connection up for more than five minutes for the life of it. I've had tech support hack into my computer on 3 different occasions each one of them claiming to have fixed the problem, only for it to resume before the phone was hung up. Now they're sending me some more hardware to troubleshoot the problem, which I'm not terribly happy about having to do, but it's better than the alternative... Which is mailing the computer to Kentucky or Tennessee where a bunch of imported Indian/Bangladesh/Nepalese have been imported to fix computers under the guise of being American. (I'm generally not racist, but am very easily frustrated with the language barriers and inability to communicate simple technical ideas between the different cultures.) To share some experiences regarding my frustrations....
I had sent my computer in for the 3/4th time for yet another mobo overheating issue. It had been there for about a week before anyone even looked at it and then they put it on hold for 2 weeks while they waited for a special order mobo from China. They told me that they had a new one being made just for me. (woot woot, that's special right?) Well, 3 weeks after it was received I receive a call from the tech center from a girl whose name I couldn't pronounce, she told me that my hard drive was incompatible with my mobo, and I would need to buy a new one so that she could finish fixing the laptop. She further explained that the reason my computer was overheating and subsequently my mobo being damaged, was because my hard drive which was the same brand as my laptop, was incompatible with my laptop. (pause for effect) Are you freakin' kidding me? (I actually asked her that) The hdd worked fine when we troubleshot the laptop to find that the mobo was damaged yet again, and I explained that had she put the same model mobo with the same bios into the laptop that there should be absolutely no difference from before I sent it in. She replied, no sir, it is very common that if you use the wrong hard drive in a laptop that it can overheat the system. Now, I've only been building systems since around the early 90's when I first earned money and parts were readily sold, but I have never in my life heard of an hdd causing so much heat that it was disproportionate to the cpu and not maintainable by the cooling units (fans/heat sinks/etc.), furthermore, the hdd worked with the old mobo, just the graphics and wifi were screwy, so I couldn't figure out why she was having problems. I tried to get to speak to someone else, but communication broke down by my pride and her inability to perform basic technical skills. When I called back to tell them to send me my system back so that I could fix it myself, I was told that they had no record of them calling me (was only 30 min later) and that the mobo they had received actually had water damage and several broken pins on it. Now how is it that she could identify that my hdd was the problem, when the mobo couldn't even pass quality control?!? I had waited 3 weeks for the board to be special ordered from China, and it apparently never went through any QC along the whole manufacturing or shipping, receiving or handling by the techie that actually installed it. That's impressive.
The next time I sent my laptop in (about 2-3 weeks later) was because the backlight in the LCD stopped functioning. Should be a quick easy fix. Well, It kind of was I received my laptop back in less than a week, with a letter attached from the techie named fanifarnifer (or something similar the handwriting as per all techie's international and local was poor) saying that he had to remove my RAM to get the computer to boot up, because the computer won't work with 3rd party ram and the RAM is probably what caused my computer screen to malfunction. Never mind his? ignorance on the fact that the RAM doesn't control the GPU or the screen or the light behind it, but the third party thing??? Again R U FREEKING Kidding ME? The RAM is Corsair and I don't know of any computer manufacturer that makes their own RAM. (It's mostly made by one of 3 or 4 larger companies). Well, I put my RAM back in, and sure enough it booted up, but just like he said, the screen kept glitching and within a week the screen was out again!
Well, miracle of miracles after convincing the support center that the fact my computer had been in the shop for about 1/3 of the time that I had owned it, and the fact that the screen when out again as well as the mobo overheated again..... They decided to upgrade me to the new system.
Enter my current problem! I received it about a month later and it's a nice system has a 1gb dedicated video card, can't complain there. However, within 5 days I noticed it's Achilles heel.... The wifi card. I've been dealing with tech support on how to fix it ever since. Now I'm waiting for a hdd to be sent to me, but after waiting for 2 weeks I thought I'd call and find out where it is. Of course they never sent it, they thought that I was just kidding about my wifi card still not working after 3 months of troubleshooting. So hopefully I'll get it in the next 2-3 business days to restore the software to it's original drivers and retest the connectivity. Of course, if it's not a software issue, the system will have to go back to 'Little India' in Kentucky or wherever it was for them to screw around with it. (Kind of reminds me of a Beastie Boys skit about some construction workers on a roof top screwing around... Think they eventually got thrown off the roof :p ). But who knows how long that will take to resolve. I'd get into the billing fiasco regarding my laptop replacement, but it's just too much for one day... (They charged me for a new warranty, but they told me and my credit card it was for my free laptop replacement. It took 3 months to figure that one out too.)
I've also had a great time with my phone service. There is a certain region in my state, that my phone will not let me connect to. It is where my family lives. Joy of joys. For about a month I've had intermittent problems with connecting, so I'll try to call 2-3 times before I can connect. Well, for the last 2 weeks, I can't connect at all (I have made it through twice actually, but can't repeat it twice in a row). I've called the phone tech support and we troubleshot all the phones on my account (we have multiple phones and none of them can get thru) After wiping several phones and starting them from their default configurations and updating others to the latest software, I finally convinced the tech, that it wasn't on my end and that their must be a network problem. He took some info and said he submitted a network ticket, also to contact back in 72 hours if no change in connectivity. So I called back to let them know that I still had the problem and that we were able to find that when we would call people that the number came up as the British Virgin Islands. That kind of sounded odd, so the next tech I spoke to took my info and informed me that there were no network tickets attached to my account, but that she would create one. (Now I'm annoyed, but o.k.) I called back in 3 days later to find out the status, and of course there were no network tickets attached to my account. I then spoke with a supervisor regarding their techs inability to attach a simple ticket to an account, he apologized and said he would do it himself to ensure it was done, he also was going to call me back within 30 min to update me on the initial status. (He never called back). So, yesterday I called to find out the status, after all, between 2 techs and a supervisor there had to exist a ticket somewhere, but alas, the company is incapable of creating such a thing. The third tech tried to convince me that SHE was capable of creating the ticket for me and that it would be done correctly, but I'm not so stupid as to believe the same line of crap 4 times in a row. (apparently 3 is my limit) Her supervisor said he would send out an email to an escalation group to ensure the ticket was looked into, and that they would call within 24hours. I informed him I needed to file a complaint as well, and he referred me to their website, as their tech's can't transfer to the complaint dept. and there exists no number to call to complain.... (fishy). Well, apparently I am so stupid as to fall for a 4th lie. I never received the call from anyone. I sent an email to the complaint group, and received an email back saying that they couldn't find anything wrong with their service, but recommend that I buy a VoIP router to improve my cell phones connectivity. (Maybe I'm an idiot, but doesn't a VOIP router need internet connection? If my cell phone is to be used while being mobile I won't have an internet connection for the VOIP to improve my connection! Furthermore, why do I have to buy extra equipment for each phone just to get the basic services I'm already paying for?!?) I called her number to discuss with her the stupidity of the recommendation and ensure she understood my frustrations. I also told her I would speak with a local distributor/repair shop. I showed the tech at the repair shop the problem, and he found it both amusing and very frustrating too. (He couldn't figure out what the problem was) He took my phone for 2-3 hours, decided to switch it with a new one (yippee new problems) and the problem persisted. He then used his Almost a God phone number to contact the network people and challenge their statement that it's not a network issue. He had them monitor the phone while he attempted calling 16 different phone numbers in the same region and not one of them would go thru. However, his phone and the network guys phones would. They are claiming to be looking into it now, and will get back to me in 72 hours... (should I really hold my breath?)
I've been told that my PTSD manifests itself with strong anger and frustration. I feel like a walking time bomb most of the time, but when stuff like this continually happens.... I just feel like going nuclear. I can't seem to find a way to calm myself. I of course do see tons of humor in this whole mess, but I still get really furious. I feel like a drama queen though. I mean, if it's not one thing it's constantly another. I know it's all part of life, but, it seems I can't catch a break for longer than a week at a time. lol. If my problems don't get resolved soon I will drop names so everyone can keep away from these businesses though. I'd just like to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. (Not that they aren't mostly incompetent, but the benefit that they can eventually fix things.... hopefully).
I've been fighting with my computer retailer regarding my laptop for about 2-3 years now. I originally purchased it under the misbelief that it was a powerhouse that could do anything. Well it's pretty powerful, but the mobo would overheat and then kill itself about every couple of months. They finally replaced the laptop with a newer model, but now this one can't keep a wireless connection up for more than five minutes for the life of it. I've had tech support hack into my computer on 3 different occasions each one of them claiming to have fixed the problem, only for it to resume before the phone was hung up. Now they're sending me some more hardware to troubleshoot the problem, which I'm not terribly happy about having to do, but it's better than the alternative... Which is mailing the computer to Kentucky or Tennessee where a bunch of imported Indian/Bangladesh/Nepalese have been imported to fix computers under the guise of being American. (I'm generally not racist, but am very easily frustrated with the language barriers and inability to communicate simple technical ideas between the different cultures.) To share some experiences regarding my frustrations....
I had sent my computer in for the 3/4th time for yet another mobo overheating issue. It had been there for about a week before anyone even looked at it and then they put it on hold for 2 weeks while they waited for a special order mobo from China. They told me that they had a new one being made just for me. (woot woot, that's special right?) Well, 3 weeks after it was received I receive a call from the tech center from a girl whose name I couldn't pronounce, she told me that my hard drive was incompatible with my mobo, and I would need to buy a new one so that she could finish fixing the laptop. She further explained that the reason my computer was overheating and subsequently my mobo being damaged, was because my hard drive which was the same brand as my laptop, was incompatible with my laptop. (pause for effect) Are you freakin' kidding me? (I actually asked her that) The hdd worked fine when we troubleshot the laptop to find that the mobo was damaged yet again, and I explained that had she put the same model mobo with the same bios into the laptop that there should be absolutely no difference from before I sent it in. She replied, no sir, it is very common that if you use the wrong hard drive in a laptop that it can overheat the system. Now, I've only been building systems since around the early 90's when I first earned money and parts were readily sold, but I have never in my life heard of an hdd causing so much heat that it was disproportionate to the cpu and not maintainable by the cooling units (fans/heat sinks/etc.), furthermore, the hdd worked with the old mobo, just the graphics and wifi were screwy, so I couldn't figure out why she was having problems. I tried to get to speak to someone else, but communication broke down by my pride and her inability to perform basic technical skills. When I called back to tell them to send me my system back so that I could fix it myself, I was told that they had no record of them calling me (was only 30 min later) and that the mobo they had received actually had water damage and several broken pins on it. Now how is it that she could identify that my hdd was the problem, when the mobo couldn't even pass quality control?!? I had waited 3 weeks for the board to be special ordered from China, and it apparently never went through any QC along the whole manufacturing or shipping, receiving or handling by the techie that actually installed it. That's impressive.
The next time I sent my laptop in (about 2-3 weeks later) was because the backlight in the LCD stopped functioning. Should be a quick easy fix. Well, It kind of was I received my laptop back in less than a week, with a letter attached from the techie named fanifarnifer (or something similar the handwriting as per all techie's international and local was poor) saying that he had to remove my RAM to get the computer to boot up, because the computer won't work with 3rd party ram and the RAM is probably what caused my computer screen to malfunction. Never mind his? ignorance on the fact that the RAM doesn't control the GPU or the screen or the light behind it, but the third party thing??? Again R U FREEKING Kidding ME? The RAM is Corsair and I don't know of any computer manufacturer that makes their own RAM. (It's mostly made by one of 3 or 4 larger companies). Well, I put my RAM back in, and sure enough it booted up, but just like he said, the screen kept glitching and within a week the screen was out again!
Well, miracle of miracles after convincing the support center that the fact my computer had been in the shop for about 1/3 of the time that I had owned it, and the fact that the screen when out again as well as the mobo overheated again..... They decided to upgrade me to the new system.
Enter my current problem! I received it about a month later and it's a nice system has a 1gb dedicated video card, can't complain there. However, within 5 days I noticed it's Achilles heel.... The wifi card. I've been dealing with tech support on how to fix it ever since. Now I'm waiting for a hdd to be sent to me, but after waiting for 2 weeks I thought I'd call and find out where it is. Of course they never sent it, they thought that I was just kidding about my wifi card still not working after 3 months of troubleshooting. So hopefully I'll get it in the next 2-3 business days to restore the software to it's original drivers and retest the connectivity. Of course, if it's not a software issue, the system will have to go back to 'Little India' in Kentucky or wherever it was for them to screw around with it. (Kind of reminds me of a Beastie Boys skit about some construction workers on a roof top screwing around... Think they eventually got thrown off the roof :p ). But who knows how long that will take to resolve. I'd get into the billing fiasco regarding my laptop replacement, but it's just too much for one day... (They charged me for a new warranty, but they told me and my credit card it was for my free laptop replacement. It took 3 months to figure that one out too.)
I've also had a great time with my phone service. There is a certain region in my state, that my phone will not let me connect to. It is where my family lives. Joy of joys. For about a month I've had intermittent problems with connecting, so I'll try to call 2-3 times before I can connect. Well, for the last 2 weeks, I can't connect at all (I have made it through twice actually, but can't repeat it twice in a row). I've called the phone tech support and we troubleshot all the phones on my account (we have multiple phones and none of them can get thru) After wiping several phones and starting them from their default configurations and updating others to the latest software, I finally convinced the tech, that it wasn't on my end and that their must be a network problem. He took some info and said he submitted a network ticket, also to contact back in 72 hours if no change in connectivity. So I called back to let them know that I still had the problem and that we were able to find that when we would call people that the number came up as the British Virgin Islands. That kind of sounded odd, so the next tech I spoke to took my info and informed me that there were no network tickets attached to my account, but that she would create one. (Now I'm annoyed, but o.k.) I called back in 3 days later to find out the status, and of course there were no network tickets attached to my account. I then spoke with a supervisor regarding their techs inability to attach a simple ticket to an account, he apologized and said he would do it himself to ensure it was done, he also was going to call me back within 30 min to update me on the initial status. (He never called back). So, yesterday I called to find out the status, after all, between 2 techs and a supervisor there had to exist a ticket somewhere, but alas, the company is incapable of creating such a thing. The third tech tried to convince me that SHE was capable of creating the ticket for me and that it would be done correctly, but I'm not so stupid as to believe the same line of crap 4 times in a row. (apparently 3 is my limit) Her supervisor said he would send out an email to an escalation group to ensure the ticket was looked into, and that they would call within 24hours. I informed him I needed to file a complaint as well, and he referred me to their website, as their tech's can't transfer to the complaint dept. and there exists no number to call to complain.... (fishy). Well, apparently I am so stupid as to fall for a 4th lie. I never received the call from anyone. I sent an email to the complaint group, and received an email back saying that they couldn't find anything wrong with their service, but recommend that I buy a VoIP router to improve my cell phones connectivity. (Maybe I'm an idiot, but doesn't a VOIP router need internet connection? If my cell phone is to be used while being mobile I won't have an internet connection for the VOIP to improve my connection! Furthermore, why do I have to buy extra equipment for each phone just to get the basic services I'm already paying for?!?) I called her number to discuss with her the stupidity of the recommendation and ensure she understood my frustrations. I also told her I would speak with a local distributor/repair shop. I showed the tech at the repair shop the problem, and he found it both amusing and very frustrating too. (He couldn't figure out what the problem was) He took my phone for 2-3 hours, decided to switch it with a new one (yippee new problems) and the problem persisted. He then used his Almost a God phone number to contact the network people and challenge their statement that it's not a network issue. He had them monitor the phone while he attempted calling 16 different phone numbers in the same region and not one of them would go thru. However, his phone and the network guys phones would. They are claiming to be looking into it now, and will get back to me in 72 hours... (should I really hold my breath?)
I've been told that my PTSD manifests itself with strong anger and frustration. I feel like a walking time bomb most of the time, but when stuff like this continually happens.... I just feel like going nuclear. I can't seem to find a way to calm myself. I of course do see tons of humor in this whole mess, but I still get really furious. I feel like a drama queen though. I mean, if it's not one thing it's constantly another. I know it's all part of life, but, it seems I can't catch a break for longer than a week at a time. lol. If my problems don't get resolved soon I will drop names so everyone can keep away from these businesses though. I'd just like to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. (Not that they aren't mostly incompetent, but the benefit that they can eventually fix things.... hopefully).
Friday, February 25, 2011
Is it really that big of a deal?
So, I've gone about a month without meeting with my counselor. The counselor has been out of town and finally returned this last week. I showed up for my normal appointment, but it was apparently booked for someone else. I didn't really think much about it at first, and calmly waited for some available time for me to have my visit.
I did some reading and chatted with another individual, but as time progressed I kept feeling more and more agitated. The person I was speaking with was trying to make my time a little less annoying and offered water and friendly discussion, but I just started getting angry. A second counselor showed up about the same time as their client and began their meeting. I had been waiting for about an hour total, 30 min since my counselor started meeting with another client, and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I went out to my car and as soon as I got in to drive off, I felt like just cancelling future appointments. I still want to. I called my wife to let her know what I was doing and to make sure I didn't over react (that's been my problem more and more lately). She told me to just call the office and reschedule and it would be alright. She did not want me to stop my visits. It seems she can see a change for the better when I make my normal visits. So, of course I listened to her voice of reason.
What I don't understand though, is Why am I so angry? Why does it matter? For a small amount of time, I actually felt really sad and depressed for some reason. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, everyone knows that stuff happens. Things don't always work out like we'd like them to. So, why is something so small as a time conflict for an appointment that normally occurs every week at the same time, such a big deal?
I find I keep getting more and more angry over the smallest things. I was trying to get some tech support information regarding a bill I received the other day. The bill should never have been sent out, but the business created a false invoice for the wrong product and submitted it to my credit card. (I think it's outright fraud, but the credit card will decide that). The number I was given to contact them was of course to India. I'm not going to say "I know the Indian people are great but..." What I'm going to say is "I hate talking to people in India." I have the hardest time understanding their accents and the way they slur words together. I can understand most Paki, Afghani, and any far Eastern version of English, but for some reason I can never understand what the people from India, Nepal, and some people from Bangladesh are saying. Long story short, by the time I was done trying to get her to simply transfer me to the person that sent out the bill, I was ready to reach through the phone and slap her head off. It was as if she didn't hear a single word I said, and was incapable of putting together a single grammatically correct English sentence. (Given, my sentences on here aren't so great, they are at least manageable!).
I deal with a group in my office. They are all bright people, some of the smartest testers I'll probably ever meet, but sometimes the ideas of how things are supposed to be done, should be done, or are actually done, just floors me. Some of them will even pull out the protocols that are established, and argue that they aren't really needed because, what they are doing isn't really all that important. If it's not that important, then why are we doing it? Why not work on something that is important? The biggest problem is that we are all on the line for everything together. We either succeed or fail as a team. Maybe it's my OCD...
I don't' understand so many things. Another thing I wish I understood is, why is it that I get so drained of energy typing this stuff up? I feel like I just did an Iron man competition... My pulse is even up.
I did some reading and chatted with another individual, but as time progressed I kept feeling more and more agitated. The person I was speaking with was trying to make my time a little less annoying and offered water and friendly discussion, but I just started getting angry. A second counselor showed up about the same time as their client and began their meeting. I had been waiting for about an hour total, 30 min since my counselor started meeting with another client, and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I went out to my car and as soon as I got in to drive off, I felt like just cancelling future appointments. I still want to. I called my wife to let her know what I was doing and to make sure I didn't over react (that's been my problem more and more lately). She told me to just call the office and reschedule and it would be alright. She did not want me to stop my visits. It seems she can see a change for the better when I make my normal visits. So, of course I listened to her voice of reason.
What I don't understand though, is Why am I so angry? Why does it matter? For a small amount of time, I actually felt really sad and depressed for some reason. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, everyone knows that stuff happens. Things don't always work out like we'd like them to. So, why is something so small as a time conflict for an appointment that normally occurs every week at the same time, such a big deal?
I find I keep getting more and more angry over the smallest things. I was trying to get some tech support information regarding a bill I received the other day. The bill should never have been sent out, but the business created a false invoice for the wrong product and submitted it to my credit card. (I think it's outright fraud, but the credit card will decide that). The number I was given to contact them was of course to India. I'm not going to say "I know the Indian people are great but..." What I'm going to say is "I hate talking to people in India." I have the hardest time understanding their accents and the way they slur words together. I can understand most Paki, Afghani, and any far Eastern version of English, but for some reason I can never understand what the people from India, Nepal, and some people from Bangladesh are saying. Long story short, by the time I was done trying to get her to simply transfer me to the person that sent out the bill, I was ready to reach through the phone and slap her head off. It was as if she didn't hear a single word I said, and was incapable of putting together a single grammatically correct English sentence. (Given, my sentences on here aren't so great, they are at least manageable!).
I deal with a group in my office. They are all bright people, some of the smartest testers I'll probably ever meet, but sometimes the ideas of how things are supposed to be done, should be done, or are actually done, just floors me. Some of them will even pull out the protocols that are established, and argue that they aren't really needed because, what they are doing isn't really all that important. If it's not that important, then why are we doing it? Why not work on something that is important? The biggest problem is that we are all on the line for everything together. We either succeed or fail as a team. Maybe it's my OCD...
I don't' understand so many things. Another thing I wish I understood is, why is it that I get so drained of energy typing this stuff up? I feel like I just did an Iron man competition... My pulse is even up.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A background
So, I guess I need to start from somewhere. Starting a conversation half way thru never makes sense. I don't believe that my specific story is much different than anyone else's. For that matter, I imagine that many others have suffered worse than me. I think that's why I don't like the idea of being labeled with PTSD.
I served in the military for about 10 years. I've had multiple deployments to several areas around the world and in that time I've seen a lot. I've seen people that live in squalor and think nothing of it. On the other hand I've known people that believe that anything under a 3 star hotel is unacceptable. While I was serving in Iraq I had the opportunity to investigate mass-casualty mass burial sites. Without jumping on to a political band wagon, lets just say, I have strong feelings regarding intifada and decisions that were made as far back as 1991. I met many people who were still looking for family members that went 'missing' during the intifada in Iraq, I was able to see reactions in people that were able to finally get the peace of knowing that their loved ones were finally dead as well as the grief of those that found the same. I think the most horrific thing to me was the vision of a childs body with minimal clothing still on, being shoveled out of a possible Mass grave site.
I couldn't believe that a child, an infant, was murdered in that manner. Sick enough as it is, the mother was also buried with the child. I never did find out whether or not the father was killed at the same time, or if that was just his punishment... I met men that had been sexually molested by Ouday and Qusay Hussein as well. It was just a common place occurence in Iraq at that time. There are so many stupid and unnecessary things that I both witnessed in person and reviewed in documentation. I obviously can't be too specific, but I remember a group of girls that was attacked when they were walking to school soon after the regime fell, and another time when a pregnant woman walking with her children was a victim of a roadside bomb. She and the child as well as severl of the other children were killed immediately, several other children were pretty banged up as well.
I remember the sense of dread I felt from day to day. My group was unable to acquire better equipment and weaponry, so we spent the majority of our time outside the wire without radio comms, heavy weapons, and any real armor. (polyvinyl side panneling barely stops dust let alone anything else). We never knew when it was going to be our turn to get hit. I remember once driving by another base as it was being hit with mortars. There wasn't much we could do, but keep on our mission.
When I returned home I returned by myself. My parents lived by, but other than that I was pretty much a lone. I started doing instruction and had a real hard time dealing with the fact that, while in the military, most of the time it's just you. I was left in charge of several teams in Iraq, and was expected to always take care of them, but was never given any support to do it with. If equipment broke, we were out of luck, if someone got sick, we were out of luck, if someone died... who knows... I'm just glad I was fortunate enough to have always planned well enough to keep us safe. When I started as an instructor, it was the same game. You were expected to spend 20+ hours a day 6-7 days a week ensuring that the instruction was the best possbile, with as little resources as possible. The students were expected to learn days worth of material each day and be able to regurgitate it several days later. It's not that it's all that uncommon for a military school to be demanding, but it helped me understand just a little bit more. It's like old JFK said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". If a soldier/sailor/marine/airman dies, who cries? Who even notices? Only those servicemembers who know them well and their families. Some members though are so involved with their positions in the military that they've lost family members to begin with, whether it be loss of spouse and kids through divorce or just loss of siblings thru lack of time to keep involved. Sometimes that saddest thing to me is to know that someone sacrificed everything they could to include their life, and it was repaid by a system that is impossible to navigate and their death will be used as a number in a political war one way or another! The spouse the child, no one really cares, only the family.
I don't mean to be so dour, but really, even those of us who have lost friends close and dear, how well do we remember the child and spouse left behind? Those who do remember, and try to help are spurned by the system for taking on something they shouldn't and told " You can't fix the world." I've been told that phrase so many times it makes my blood boil!
I survived all of my activations, deployments, missions, etc.,. It took a safe job for me to finally be taken down. I was in an accident while driving to teach one day. I was immediately bombarded by paperwork (forget about asking how I was doing), and expected to be able to give a full account in full detail of everything that took place. My back, neck, head, and shoulder were all pretty well worked up. I was soon afterwards professionally attacked by my leadership for being injured, and later medically discharged because of them. I know what happens when you give your all for a cause that doesn't care for the parts that make it great. Don't get me wrong, I would do it again, I've even tried getting back in, but alas, I don't think it's a possibility anymore.
I'm empty for now, but perhaps later I'll continue...
I served in the military for about 10 years. I've had multiple deployments to several areas around the world and in that time I've seen a lot. I've seen people that live in squalor and think nothing of it. On the other hand I've known people that believe that anything under a 3 star hotel is unacceptable. While I was serving in Iraq I had the opportunity to investigate mass-casualty mass burial sites. Without jumping on to a political band wagon, lets just say, I have strong feelings regarding intifada and decisions that were made as far back as 1991. I met many people who were still looking for family members that went 'missing' during the intifada in Iraq, I was able to see reactions in people that were able to finally get the peace of knowing that their loved ones were finally dead as well as the grief of those that found the same. I think the most horrific thing to me was the vision of a childs body with minimal clothing still on, being shoveled out of a possible Mass grave site.
I couldn't believe that a child, an infant, was murdered in that manner. Sick enough as it is, the mother was also buried with the child. I never did find out whether or not the father was killed at the same time, or if that was just his punishment... I met men that had been sexually molested by Ouday and Qusay Hussein as well. It was just a common place occurence in Iraq at that time. There are so many stupid and unnecessary things that I both witnessed in person and reviewed in documentation. I obviously can't be too specific, but I remember a group of girls that was attacked when they were walking to school soon after the regime fell, and another time when a pregnant woman walking with her children was a victim of a roadside bomb. She and the child as well as severl of the other children were killed immediately, several other children were pretty banged up as well.
I remember the sense of dread I felt from day to day. My group was unable to acquire better equipment and weaponry, so we spent the majority of our time outside the wire without radio comms, heavy weapons, and any real armor. (polyvinyl side panneling barely stops dust let alone anything else). We never knew when it was going to be our turn to get hit. I remember once driving by another base as it was being hit with mortars. There wasn't much we could do, but keep on our mission.
When I returned home I returned by myself. My parents lived by, but other than that I was pretty much a lone. I started doing instruction and had a real hard time dealing with the fact that, while in the military, most of the time it's just you. I was left in charge of several teams in Iraq, and was expected to always take care of them, but was never given any support to do it with. If equipment broke, we were out of luck, if someone got sick, we were out of luck, if someone died... who knows... I'm just glad I was fortunate enough to have always planned well enough to keep us safe. When I started as an instructor, it was the same game. You were expected to spend 20+ hours a day 6-7 days a week ensuring that the instruction was the best possbile, with as little resources as possible. The students were expected to learn days worth of material each day and be able to regurgitate it several days later. It's not that it's all that uncommon for a military school to be demanding, but it helped me understand just a little bit more. It's like old JFK said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". If a soldier/sailor/marine/airman dies, who cries? Who even notices? Only those servicemembers who know them well and their families. Some members though are so involved with their positions in the military that they've lost family members to begin with, whether it be loss of spouse and kids through divorce or just loss of siblings thru lack of time to keep involved. Sometimes that saddest thing to me is to know that someone sacrificed everything they could to include their life, and it was repaid by a system that is impossible to navigate and their death will be used as a number in a political war one way or another! The spouse the child, no one really cares, only the family.
I don't mean to be so dour, but really, even those of us who have lost friends close and dear, how well do we remember the child and spouse left behind? Those who do remember, and try to help are spurned by the system for taking on something they shouldn't and told " You can't fix the world." I've been told that phrase so many times it makes my blood boil!
I survived all of my activations, deployments, missions, etc.,. It took a safe job for me to finally be taken down. I was in an accident while driving to teach one day. I was immediately bombarded by paperwork (forget about asking how I was doing), and expected to be able to give a full account in full detail of everything that took place. My back, neck, head, and shoulder were all pretty well worked up. I was soon afterwards professionally attacked by my leadership for being injured, and later medically discharged because of them. I know what happens when you give your all for a cause that doesn't care for the parts that make it great. Don't get me wrong, I would do it again, I've even tried getting back in, but alas, I don't think it's a possibility anymore.
I'm empty for now, but perhaps later I'll continue...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The first day
The first day. It's the most important day. By the choices made this day all other choices remaining are changed. The first day is the day that is most celebrated, yet most mourned. A child's first laugh, first smile, first step, to the son's/daughters first time using drugs, first crime, or first suicide attempt. No matter the age, No matter the stage of life, No matter what we may think, We all have our firsts, and we'll all have our lasts.
Today is my first. It is my first day that I will record my success, and record my failure, It is my first time I will address my problems, The first time I will fight back against that which fights with me! Everyone has problems, mine our no more severe, no more important, nor anymore difficult than anyone else's. I hope that by me sharing my experiences though, that it will give others strength with which they can use to fight whatever ails them. As well, it's a great way for me to perhaps unburden myself.
Today is a result of the last week, which is a result of the last month, which yes, was the result of years, and series of years. The difference is that on this day, I've decided to make a change, a change in myself, a change for MYSELF. I suffer from PTSD, Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. I don't know exactly when it started, but I imagine that I have a few good guesses. Today I had an Event, an event in which I no longer had control of me. For some people I imagine this type of event is probably normal, but for me it's not. My events normally include a bout of rage, but lately, and more often not, my anger has been substituted with emotional despair and sadness. I wonder why?
I don't know how much to go into things as of yet. I hope to find others over time that perhaps will find this blog and post their own thoughts or experiences. If not, that's o.k. I'll still get the benefit of returning someday to read of my thoughts.
Today is my first. It is my first day that I will record my success, and record my failure, It is my first time I will address my problems, The first time I will fight back against that which fights with me! Everyone has problems, mine our no more severe, no more important, nor anymore difficult than anyone else's. I hope that by me sharing my experiences though, that it will give others strength with which they can use to fight whatever ails them. As well, it's a great way for me to perhaps unburden myself.
Today is a result of the last week, which is a result of the last month, which yes, was the result of years, and series of years. The difference is that on this day, I've decided to make a change, a change in myself, a change for MYSELF. I suffer from PTSD, Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. I don't know exactly when it started, but I imagine that I have a few good guesses. Today I had an Event, an event in which I no longer had control of me. For some people I imagine this type of event is probably normal, but for me it's not. My events normally include a bout of rage, but lately, and more often not, my anger has been substituted with emotional despair and sadness. I wonder why?
I don't know how much to go into things as of yet. I hope to find others over time that perhaps will find this blog and post their own thoughts or experiences. If not, that's o.k. I'll still get the benefit of returning someday to read of my thoughts.
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